Thoughts....Sans organization

Retraction from Monday, Nov 26, 2007

2009-03-05T14:47:00.002-05:00

So it's pretty clear that I have abandoned hope of regularly updating this thing. But I felt that this was an important thing to post for anyone who may still come here. On November 26, 2007 I wrote a blog post (read here) in which I commented about another Kevin Jacobson, and his music.

The fact is that I have never met him, and after receiving some comments and going back to read the post I am pretty embarrassed at what I said. So this is my formal apology.

Kevin, I apologize for writing about you and your music when I haven't met you and have no right to criticize anything that you do. I regret the things that I wrote and wish you nothing but the best in your personal life, as well as your music career.

-Kevin Jacobson

The Last Lecture

2008-07-31T11:27:00.001-04:00

I have been trying to post this video for the past two days, but it will not work so I am just going to give you the link. It's long, but well worth the time to watch it. So do it.

Last Lecture

Here we go again.

2008-07-30T01:31:00.000-04:00

.....shit.

Charlie the Unicorn 2

2008-07-03T19:41:00.001-04:00

You've seen part one, now its time for part two.

Yo-Yo Ma - Appalachian Waltz

2008-06-06T12:01:00.001-04:00

I wish that I could play this...

Just some b*tching

2008-05-19T00:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here in my room and I am starting to feel the familiar sense of numbness creep over me. I find that I am staring off in to space, not in a contemplative way but in almost a defeated sort of way. The kind of staring you see on the bench on any sports team when the game is not over, but they know that it is lost. I don't know exactly what has been brining about this feeling lately, but its bringing along its usual apathy and general sense of futility and worthlessness.

I have found myself thinking about "running away" and starting over somewhere else again. I have gone through these periods before and know that's not really what I want, because just going to a new place isn't going to make problems go away, or instantly make me happier.

This morning Paul asked what the "Romes" were in our lives. The things that tend to lure us away from God with false promises of fulfilling our desires if we just bend our knees a little. I have been thinking about this for a while and I think the desire that tends to pull on me is the desire to be loved first in somebody's life. (Qualifying statement: I don't mean loved above God, but loved first in human relationships) Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are a lot of people who truly care about me, and even love me, but every one of those people have other relationships that are more important (and should be). I guess that I'm just feeling this way because I am particularly lonely at this point in my life. Maybe it will get better, but maybe not.

I know that this is more of my usual whining, but it's my blog so I'm going to write about what I want.

Ode to R.H.

2008-05-17T23:19:00.003-04:00

A man died today.

He was not famous, powerful, or important in terms of this world. The world will not take much notice of his passing, things will continue to move on day by day.

He had a kind and friendly face. He was always quick with a smile and some smart-assed remark that never failed to make me laugh.

A man died today.

Not many in Athens will know, but a few will. I am one of them.

A man died today.

He will be missed.

Vader Sessions

2008-05-07T18:12:00.001-04:00

No explanation needed.

Cloud Cult-Chemicals Collide

2008-04-30T18:00:00.002-04:00

I have been into this band a lot recently. Patrick turned me on to them. This isn't my favorite song, but its still a good one. Give it a listen.

Aimless

2008-04-30T17:56:00.003-04:00

So I just got my first letter form OU letting me know that I would not be getting called in for an interview for one of the jobs I applied for. Honestly I have to say that I'm disappointed. I tried not to let myself get my hopes up, but I think I was still expecting to at least get an interview. Mainly because the job that I was denied for was the one that I actually thought I had a chance at getting. So now I am just waiting to get my "thanks, but no thanks" letter from the financial aid position and then it will be official that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now because in pretty much every area of my life I feel lost and without any direction. I don't want to just coast through life, but I don't have any kind of leading or direction as to what else I should/could be doing with my time. Up until this point I have always said that I don't want to leave Athens just to leave. I really love my friends and community here. But lately I have also been feeling that I don't want to stay just to stay either. Basically I want to feel like I am moving in some direction in life instead of just taking up space.

Ok, end of whining.

Good things.
1.) I planted things in a garden, and I will eat them later.
2.) I am brewing 10 gallons of beer currently.
3.) Been listening to Cloud Cult. Check out the posted video.

Later

The Story of Stuff

2008-03-25T23:43:00.001-04:00

Check this video out, its about 20 minutes long but I think its worth watching.

CLICK ME NOWWWWWWWWWW!

Good Morning!

2008-03-21T08:39:00.003-04:00

My dad used to sing this to me in the morning to wake me up.

Good mornin', good mornin'!
We've danced the whole night through,
good mornin', good mornin' to you.

Good mornin', good mornin'!
It's great to stay up late,
good mornin', good mornin' to you.

New Jobs

2008-03-20T22:53:00.001-04:00

So I think that I'm going to apply for some jobs with Ohio University. So what do you think? Think that I actually have a shot at any of them?

They are with the admissions office and the office of financial aid.

I can't sleep

2008-03-11T02:07:00.002-04:00

So here I sit. It's 2am, and I've spent the past hour and a half vainly trying to go to sleep. It wasn't working so I decided to get up and do something, and for now that something is writing on this blog. These are going to be pretty random thoughts, so maybe I will use bullets to organize them! Yes, I think I will.

Tonight I was thinking about the kind of life that I want to have. When I'm old I want to look back on my life and see a life of faithfulness and joy. I want it to be a life that gets meaning from the people that I've touched, and the people that have touched me. I want it to be a life deeply rooted in God. I want my youth to be renewed by the Lord as that of an eagles, so that in old age I am joyful, energetic and with the peace of God.
I would like to do a better job of telling the people that are important in my life that I love them. So if you read this and know that you are important to me, please know that I love you. I would like to write letters to people about this. Real life, hand-written letters and I believe that shows a level of thought and intentionality that conveys love. We'll see if I actually do this.
I want to write and perform music. I hope to play an open mic night at Donkey sometime in the future. It would be great if you would come. I also want to write music with Patrick.
I think that God may have gifted me with the ability to lead worship. If that's true I want to know what to do with that gifting.
I have many distractions in my life, especially surrounding video games and media. I would like to simplify and create more time for reading, writing and being still. I don't really know how to do this because it takes a level of discipline that I don't think that I have at this point. But maybe for now the desire is what's important, and later the action will come.
The idea of heaven is both encouraging and scary to me at the same time. The idea that one day everything will be put right, there will no longer be any more injustice, pain or tears is a very wonderful thought to me. However, the idea of living in eternity with no end is kind of frightening. I like things to have a beginning and end. I think that's because it helps me to define and measure things, and having no end makes eternity unmeasurable. I also think of heaving in terms of my current idea of time, and I'm not sure that's the way its going to be. Perhaps we will be removed from time and just be with God.
There are some great older men in my church that I would love to meet with and learn from. People that have wisdom that only comes from a lifetime of experiences. I could learn a lot from them. I am thinking of Bob Wickham.
I still don't know what I'm going to do come August when my current contract with Good Works is up. For that matter I don't know what I'm going to do when my lease is up in June! Oddly enough I'm not getting super stressed out about it. I hope that's because I trust God and not just because I am avoiding making a decision.
My brother and sister-in-law are celebrating their 5 year anniversary this month. I can say that Jo is a great person and one of the best things to ever happen in my brother's life. And in our families life for that matter. I love both of them, and my parents, very deeply. I hope that they know that, and know that I am proud of all of them.
I miss Honduras and want to go back. I especially miss Marlon. On a related note I have been considering teaching music to children recently.

So there you have it. That's what I am thinking about this morning at 2am. I'm still not tired, but maybe I will go back to reading again. I have to be awake in about four hours to get ready to meet Paul for breakfast. Blessings to all of you. With love.

Stolen from Paul...

2008-03-11T00:15:00.004-04:00

I stole this quote from Paul's blog. He got it from GK Chesterton's Orthodoxy. It's one of my favorite quotes, and I'm sure that most of you have heard it or read it before, but it's always good to hear again...

A man varies his movements because of some slight element of failure or fatigue. He gets into an omnibus because he is tired of walking; or he walks because he is tired of sitting still. But if his life and joy were so gigantic that he never tired of going to Islington, he might go to Islington as regularly as the Thames goes to Sheerness. The very speed and ecstasy of his life would have the stillness of death. The sun rises every morning. I do not rise every morning; but the variation is due not to my activity, but to my inaction. Now, to put the matter in a popular phrase, it might be true that the sun rises regularly because he never gets tired of rising. His routine might be due, not to a lifelessness, but to a rush of life.

The thing I mean can be seen, for instance, in children, when they find some game or joke that they specially enjoy. A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.

But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical ENCORE...

Tom Cruise Video

2008-03-03T20:47:00.001-05:00

Here is an interesting video with Tom Cruise talking about scientology. Watch and post your thoughts.

Hope

2008-02-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

So as I sit here to write I'm trying to think of something incredibly deep and insightful for you to read, and I have to be honest I don't think that I have the energy to type something like that. Over the past few weeks there has been lots of things happening, some of them good and some of them bad.

The Timothy House has been particularly difficult the past 2 months and I am finding myself in an almost constant state of grieving for one person or another. This is especially true for two people in particular. The first one is a single parent who is obviously overwhelmed in taking care of the two small children, and instead of figuring out how to be the best parent resorts to tv and medication to keep the kids manageable. I know that I can't even imagine what its like to be a single parent, but I don't think there is ever a case where a child should be on bi-polar medication at the age of 3 years old.

This has caused me to think about the kind of parent that I want to be when, eventually, I have children of my own. I have to confess to you that being a father is one of my biggest dreams in life, and I really look forward to the day that I first get to hold my son/daughter. I am thankful to my father for his model of how to provide for and love a family. He is one of the hardest working people that I know, and I know that I am shaped in a large part by what he's taught me over the years. So, thanks dad. I also know that I want to be involved heavily in my kids lives. I want to go to the concerts, recitals, games or whatever it is. I want my children to feel safe enough to talk to me about anything, even when they are in trouble. So.. yeah. I want kids.

The second person that has been weighing heavily on me is a guy who moved out of the house a number of months ago and had gotten his life back on track and was doing well. He had gotten his trucking license again and was working for a company making enough money to provide for himself and remain stable. Every couple of months or so he would call the house and update me and let me know that he was doing well and how good everything was going. This past week I got a very different phone call. He called me to let me know that he had fallen off the wagon and started using drugs again, and this time he got in to using heroin. Not only that, because he had been sharing needles he now has Hepatitis-C and is getting tested for HIV. He was terrified and didn't know what to do, so he called me. In his voice I heard pain, frustration and fear; which is to be expected. The thing that pained me the most wasn't what he said or what was in his voice, it's what was absent. He had absolutely no hope. He is wrapped up in darkness that can seem to take over your life. I spoke to him for a while and gave him some advice and asked that he keep in touch and let me know test results and how he is doing.

Since that phone call I have been wrestling with the same sense of hopelessness that I heard in his voice. It seems that everywhere I turn lately I am getting confronted with heartbreak. From kids getting cancer, to a 18 year old with a long legal history telling me all he ever wanted was for his mother to tell him that she loves him, to drugs, and to a person getting called an instrument of the devil for sharing their opinions. This stuff has been hard for me. Despite all of that I believe that God is teaching me how to hold on to hope and joy, even when things aren't going well at all. Over the past couple of months I find myself returning to the final chapters of Revelation continuously, and they have sustained me:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

There have also been things that have been going very well in my life, from which I get a great deal of joy and happiness. But for now those are going to remain private, and I will share them at some other point.

Well, this post ended up being much longer than I had intended, but its what's been in my head recently. Enjoy!

Reality Bites

2008-02-04T18:54:00.000-05:00

Poor Haitians resort to eating dirt By JONATHAN M. KATZ, Associated Press
Writer
Tue Jan 29, 7:43 PM ET

It was lunchtime in one of Haiti's worst slums, and Charlene Dumas was
eating mud. With food prices rising, Haiti's poorest can't afford even a
daily plate of rice, and some take desperate measures to fill their bellies.
Charlene, 16 with a 1-month-old son, has come to rely on a traditional
Haitian remedy for hunger pangs: cookies made of dried yellow dirt from the
country's central plateau.

The mud has long been prized by pregnant women and children here as an
antacid and source of calcium. But in places like Cite Soleil, the oceanside
slum where Charlene shares a two-room house with her baby, five siblings and
two unemployed parents, cookies made of dirt, salt and vegetable shortening
have become a regular meal.

"When my mother does not cook anything, I have to eat them three times a
day," Charlene said. Her baby, named Woodson, lay still across her lap,
looking even thinner than the slim 6 pounds 3 ounces he weighed at birth.

Though she likes their buttery, salty taste, Charlene said the cookies also
give her stomach pains. "When I nurse, the baby sometimes seems colicky
too," she said.

Food prices around the world have spiked because of higher oil prices,
needed for fertilizer, irrigation and transportation. Prices for basic
ingredients such as corn and wheat are also up sharply, and the increasing
global demand for biofuels is pressuring food markets as well.

The problem is particularly dire in the Caribbean, where island nations
depend on imports and food prices are up 40 percent in places.

The global price hikes, together with floods and crop damage from the 2007
hurricane season, prompted the U.N. Food and Agriculture Agency to declare
states of emergency in Haiti and several other Caribbean countries.
Caribbean leaders held an emergency summit in December to discuss cutting
food taxes and creating large regional farms to reduce dependence on
imports.

At the market in the La Saline slum, two cups of rice now sell for 60 cents,
up 10 cents from December and 50 percent from a year ago. Beans, condensed
milk and fruit have gone up at a similar rate, and even the price of the
edible clay has risen over the past year by almost $1.50. Dirt to make 100
cookies now costs $5, the cookie makers say.

Still, at about 5 cents apiece, the cookies are a bargain compared to food
staples. About 80 percent of people in Haiti live on less than $2 a day and
a tiny elite controls the economy.

Merchants truck the dirt from the central town of Hinche to the La Saline
market, a maze of tables of vegetables and meat swarming with flies. Women
buy the dirt, then process it into mud cookies in places such as Fort
Dimanche, a nearby shanty town.

Carrying buckets of dirt and water up ladders to the roof of the former
prison for which the slum is named, they strain out rocks and clumps on a
sheet, and stir in shortening and salt. Then they pat the mixture into mud
cookies and leave them to dry under the scorching sun.

The finished cookies are carried in buckets to markets or sold on the
streets.

A reporter sampling a cookie found that it had a smooth consistency and
sucked all the moisture out of the mouth as soon as it touched the tongue.
For hours, an unpleasant taste of dirt lingered.

Assessments of the health effects are mixed. Dirt can contain deadly
parasites or toxins, but can also strengthen the immunity of fetuses in the
womb to certain diseases, said Gerald N. Callahan, an immunology professor
at Colorado State University who has studied geophagy, the scientific name
for dirt-eating.

Haitian doctors say depending on the cookies for sustenance risks
malnutrition.

"Trust me, if I see someone eating those cookies, I will discourage it,"
said Dr. Gabriel Thimothee, executive director of Haiti's health ministry.

Marie Noel, 40, sells the cookies in a market to provide for her seven
children. Her family also eats them.

"I'm hoping one day I'll have enough food to eat, so I can stop eating
these," she said. "I know it's not good for me."

Tired

2008-01-23T02:49:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of loving people, and reaching the end of my ability to "care."

... I'm glad God's not like me.

Invisible Children

2008-01-16T12:26:00.000-05:00

This radio documentary is about an hour long, but well worth listening to. It's a Bob Edwards show on homelessness; more specifically homeless children in our country. As the Walk for the Homeless is coming up this weekend I thought it would be appropriate to share. Please listen here, it's worth your time.

Power Thirst Energy Drink

2008-01-09T13:55:00.001-05:00

This is pretty amazing.

Wizard People, Dear Reader

2008-01-03T14:36:00.001-05:00

If you are a fan of Harry Potter, or even if you aren't you should check this out. A guy named Brad Neely dubbed the entire first HP movie, and its pretty hilarious. So watch and enjoy!

Welcome back to Ohio

2007-12-06T22:44:00.001-05:00

So in the past day I went from this.

To this....

Yes, that is my car in the middle of my front yard. Welcome back to Ohio...

Would the real Kevin Jacobson please stand up

2007-11-26T15:34:00.001-05:00

Ok. I googled myself quite some time ago and was shocked to find another man with my name. This other Kevin Jacobson also goes by the nickname KJ, which is kind of depressing. And he is also a Christian pianist who makes...... music.

So here are some links to his website and his myspace page. You can decide which one you prefer :)

KJ

Disappointed

2007-11-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

I started taking my malaria preventative last Thursday. The warning label said that I might get weird dreams, which I have actually been looking forward to as I was planning on relating them here on my blog.

I'm sad to say that I have yet to have a weird dream.

Tomorrow I take another pill, let's hope for some craziness.

Broken Record

2007-11-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Whatever I write chances are good that you've already heard it from me before.

I haven't really been posting much recently, which I'm sure that you've noticed. The reason is that what I was writing about before is pretty much what has been going on. Things at the Timothy House have been fairly difficult the past couple of months with the same types of issues that I have already talked about. Two things are coming out of this for me. First, when something goes right and I get a little window of God's kingdom I'm truly grateful and thankful that there is hope in this world. Second, I'm finding that I'm starting to feel a little indifferent when faced with hard situations.

I think that I do this as a coping mechanism. Instead of being crushed by the weight of brokeness I pull back and limit its ability to hurt me. Part of that is good, because it allows me to keep coming in and spending time with people, even when things really suck. However, I don't want this to turn into a habit of pulling away because I think that's the first step towards a hardening of heart.

This brings me to something else. For lack of a better term "Hollywood" has really screwed up the perception of what love is. To love somebody is hard. It's not about feelings, or angels playing harps in the background when you look at somebody. That's too easy. Love is hard, and not always nice. Love is telling somebody that they can't have somewhere to sleep because they continue to drink and destroy their lives. Love has that courage to tell the truth and provide consequences while hoping for real life change. Love is messy.

I don't really know where I am going with this. I'm just kind of thinking while I type.

Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing well in their respective lives. I will try and come up with something better for the next post.

I promise

2007-11-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

There will be more posts to come. And soon I hope.

Don't despair.

Radom collection of thoughts

2007-10-05T12:05:00.000-04:00

So the past few weeks have been pretty eventful at work, but have been calming down as of the past two days. I like that. Getting a chance to rest and process what has been going on is a good thing.

Here is what's been happening in my life since that time. I went to a Reds game with Patrick last Saturday and it was wonderful. This was something that we had been talking about doing for a long time but just recently got around to doing. I love watching baseball games at the stadium. We ate brats and watched a game that was nowhere near competitive and had a great time. From there we went to an irish pub and I got fish and chips with a Strongbow Cider. It was amazing. All in all a good day.

Other than that things have been pretty standard. I'm still trying to figure out what I am doing after the Timothy House. My next step is to meet with someone in Early Childhood education
and find out what my options are there. Bad news is that if I go back to school I will need to pay all those OU parking tickets I've been collecting since I graduated.

In family news, my mother is going in for her follow up MRI this coming Tuesday. If the soft areas in her brain are smaller than last time everything should be good, but if they are the same size or larger I think there might need to be some kind of treatment or surgery or something. I'm not a doctor so I'm only guessing at this point.

Tonight I'm going to see Gabe and that will be nice.

That is pretty much all that has been going on that I can think of right now.

Oh, and the Bengals are 1-3. I'm fairly depressed about that, but that's my cross to bear.

Have a good day everyone.

... Jesus wept

2007-09-26T01:34:00.001-04:00

I have read this phrase multiple times in my bible over the years. It always seemed to me that when Jesus wept it was over brokenness in the world and the perversion of his creation. For a long time I never thought that I could be affected by the world in that way. I have seen poverty, I have seen videos and pictures of war; I have seen these things and never wept.

Tonight at the Timothy House I had to kick a woman and her teenage son out because she came back to the house drunk. Her life is in a mess and when faced with a depressing situation she coped in the only way she knew how, she drank. Her son returned to the house well before she did and had no idea where she was or what she was doing. A little bit later she returned and reeked of liquor. Her actions put herself and her son out on the street.

Now at church we have been talking about seeing what is right in the world, and I have been conscious about doing so. This has been a great encouragement to me, but tonight I got an up close view of how broken this world is.

This woman is stuck in a cycle that takes her to abusive men and addictions. If that weren't bad enough, her son is getting caught in the crossfire of his mothers self-destructive cycles. This brokenness is the kind of thing that Satan rejoices over, and it makes me sick. Nights like tonight remind me of just how frail and powerless I am and it forces me to trust that God is in control.

I believe that God is at work in the world, and there are things in this world that are right and beautiful. I have to believe that because I am not strong enough to believe in a world where this kind of depravity exists without hope.

Tonight I got a glimpse of how broken this world is...

And I wept.

Somewhat of a crossroads

2007-09-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

So I have now been working at the Timothy House for over a year. In some respects I feel like I have just started, and in another I feel like I've been here for well over a year. My contract will be completed this upcoming July, and before that comes up I need to figure out what I am going to do when I leave here. This is where the problem comes up, I have many ideas about what I could do but no real direction on what I should do. I don't even know if there is something that I should do. So here are some of my options.

1.) Going back to school for music: Pros: If I went to graduate school I would most likely end up teaching somewhere which would provide good money, security and a schedule that would enable me to travel. I don't know if I would love teaching, but I do love music and enjoy the performance and study of it. The limited teaching that I have done has been somewhat enjoyable. Cons: I would have to leave Athens to do this. When I finished school I would have to move wherever I could find a job. This would require me to leave a lot of friends and relationships that I have really come to love and I don't want to do that. I believe that its the relationships in our lives that make life rich and meaningful; not what I do for a living.

2.) Going back to school for early childhood education: The idea behind this would be to open a daycare facility in Athens because there is a severe need for quality childcare, and there is a lack of affordable, quality childcare. Pros: I would be doing something to serve the community of Athens. I would be working with small children, and we all know I love the little ones. It would enable me to stay in Athens and not have to sacrifice relationships. Cons: I don't know the first thing about opening a daycare facility. There is a chance that this would really burn me out and make me not want to be with kids. I would be sacrificing my pursuit of music as a livelihood and I don't know if I am ready to do that yet.

3.) Renew my contract with Good Works. Pros: I really love the work that I do at the Timothy House, it's meaningful and fulfilling. Cons: Burnout. I don't think that this job is one that I can do as a career, and I doubt my ability to continually offer the best of me over the next 2 years.

4.) Find another job. Pros: Pays the bills. Cons: Would just be another in-between type of thing.

So these are a few of my options, but I don't really know which to do. I am running out of time for grad school for next year. If I'm going to go I need to apply soon, which means getting materials together now.

My main desire more than any of these options is to start a family. I want to get married and have children. This is the main desire of my heart and I want to pursue that, but I don't really know how. Athens is a great place and I could see me raising children here, but at the same time I could see myself leaving at some point. This is what I want, I think that I could pretty much do any of the above options for a living with a family. But that's not entirely up to me, so for now I wait .

Any comments or suggestions will be taken under review by the management.

Thanks

Some of my own hypocrisy

2007-09-13T10:24:00.001-04:00

Sorry that I have been away for so long, but I'm back now and have things to post about. Let's start with the Good Works application for a zoning variance for the house next door.

For those of you who don't know Good Works (where I work) has been attempting to buy the house next door to the Timothy House to use specifically to house homeless families. The main reason for wanting to do this (in my opinion) is to help restore some dignity. As a family in a homeless shelter comprised mostly of singles every parenting decision that you make happens in front of everyone. You can't get away to have a private conversation with your child, and however you choose to discipline them is under the scrutiny of everyone. As you can imagine all this does is add stress to an already stressful situation.

Now the variance was to put a connecting hallway between the Timothy House and this next property so that we could supervise both houses without having to had a whole new set of staff. We also needed an exception because we are in what is known as a R-1 zone which is for single family occupancy. This means that houses can't be used for multiple families or used as rentals. The Timothy House already has a variance on this, but we would need one for the second property. This past Tuesday we had out hearing in front of the zoning board and there were many people that came out to support us, but there were also some that came out against the variance. In the end it came out that the board voted 6-0 against granting a variance. This has had me thinking the past few days and I now have some thoughts that I want to put out there.

First, I am glad that I didn't invite our current residents to come to the hearing because some amazingly insulting things were said. One man was arguing that he had spent countless hours getting this neighborhood rezoned so that it would be more "family-friendly" and expanding out services to serve homeless families would take away from that. Think about that for a second...
His argument is that they want families to move into the neighborhood, but not homeless families. Implicit in that statement is that homeless people are of less value, or even a detriment to a neighborhood. This is indicative of a large problem with the middle class mindset. We want safe and well groomed neighborhoods and communities, and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem is that it is all becoming about appearances. As long as your house looks good it doesn't matter how ugly the events inside the walls are because you have a picket fence and well trimmed shrubs. The opposite is also true; if something is ugly on the outside it doesn't matter how beautiful the events of the inside are because its ugly and therefore of no value to a "neighborhood." Now let me say that the Timothy House is well kept, and a good looking house, but it gets the ugly label by some because homeless people live here.

This leads me to think about neighborhoods and how we (for the most part) no longer know our neighbors. We don't want to. As long as they keep up their part in making the place look good and don't raise a ruckus we prefer to keep to ourselves. What ever happened to real communities? Neighborhoods are no longer communities, just collections of houses that happen to be in the same area. I could go on longer about this, but I am going to move on.

The biggest question that came out of this for me was voiced by Keith. Who's responsibility is it to care for the poor and homeless? I know that Jesus calls us to care for the least of these, but I am speaking to the city now. It's certainly not Keith's job to care for the homeless, he has chosen to do so, but he's certainly not obligated. So who is? I believe that the community of Athens as a whole is responsible for caring for the poor. If the city won't approve a variance so that we can help homeless families better what is their option to help? What is being done by the city to care for the poor? In a word, nothing. As long as the middle class is comfortable and doesn't have to see poverty everyone is happy. Well, everyone that matters is happy because the homeless aren't really people right? More of just an inconvenience that gets in the way of the me centered culture.

This is the attitude that I get from our culture as a whole. It's bullshit. Now don't think for a second that I have always done what I could to care for the poor. I have avoided talking to people who were obviously hurting and poor. I haven't gotten to know my neighbors. I haven't sacrificed much of my middle class comfort, so I am no better.

But there has to be something better...

right?

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever

MNF

2007-09-10T13:00:00.000-04:00

I am going to the Bengals game tonight. All is right with the world.

Awesome...

It's been long enough

2007-08-19T22:36:00.001-04:00

So I was told in no uncertain terms tonight that I have not been updating this nearly enough. Hence, I am now posting. I don't really know what to write about. There have been things going on in my life, but I don't know if much of it is appropriate to share in this venue. Give me some more time to process, and I promise something of substance in the future.

In the meantime listen/watch to one of my new favorite songs.

This frustrates me.

2007-08-02T20:19:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been reading alot of articles, comments or blogs from people who aren't religious in anyway about faith and people who believe in some kind of a God be it Jesus or Buddha. The thing that has frustrated me in reading these articles is that I am spoken to like I am a mindless idiot at worst, or a weak person who needs to believe in something bigger than myself at best. Almost all of these articles have said that through logic and reason they could prove that there was no God, yet in none of them have I found a discussion of these proofs that disprove the existence of a God.

I've also noticed that Christians get called out alot for being nasty to people who don't believe in God, and that these people have been met with rudeness and derision for believing what they do. Now I admit there are alot of people out there who are "Christians" who are really nasty to people who disagree with them, and I hope that I never act that way toward people because it goes against what I desire to be as a believer. However, in these article anyone of faith is labeled as dumb, ignorant and weak.

These things just frustrate me.

I know that I am woefully unequipped to discuss the existence of God, but I am willing to have an open discussion with people. But realize that I know that I can't prove the existence of God, just like you can't disprove the existence of God.

I know this wasn't written very well, and may not make sense, but that is all for now.

Shrinking....

2007-08-02T18:58:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a short post. About 3 months ago I went home and was visiting my family and found that my brother and his wife had been on a diet and looked great. This was a catalyst that made me re-evaluate my diet and general lifestyle. I am proud to say that over the winter I had gotten up to about 205-210 lbs, but am down to 174-178 lbs (depending on the day). I feel better and enjoy eating healthy food in the right portions. I still have a little ways to go, but I'm happy and wanted to share with everyone.

Later

So this is my new hair....

2007-07-25T19:07:00.001-04:00

I dyed my hair for VBS this week. Here are some pictures.

Obligatory Post

2007-07-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like writing, or talking, or working, or pretty much anything right now. Better posts to come in the future.

Flickr

2007-07-10T16:40:00.000-04:00

I've done it. I have made a Flickr account, and here is the link. I will also put a link to the sidebar for future viewing. Currently I only have the pictures from the road trip up, but hopefully in the future more will be added.

Now I only need a camera....

Dvorak Cello Concerto part 2

2007-07-10T13:15:00.003-04:00

Dvorak Cello Concerto part 1

2007-07-10T13:15:00.001-04:00

This is a video of the second movement of Dvorak's cello concerto as played by Rostropovich. Whenever I think that I am alright with moving my life in a direction away from music, I hear music like this and remember why I love music and why I wanted to make it my life. So here I am again wondering what I am going to to with myself when I am done working at GoodWorks. Anyway, if you have about 13 minutes, I highly recommend you watch the two videos, they are two parts of the same movement.

Psalm 88

2007-07-03T15:37:00.001-04:00

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.

You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?

Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

-I read this today. It reminds me that God is bigger than my anger, and He is able to handle it. I need reminders like this because very often I feel like its "wrong" to be angry at God. It isn't, and He is big enough to handle anything that I would throw at him.

A taste of Wyoming

2007-07-03T13:34:00.000-04:00

Here are a few pictures from the road trip to Wyoming with Patrick. I'll only post a few as I'm looking into opening a Flicker account and will share all photos on there. So without further ado, here they are.

I won't add descriptions here, because I have to go into a staff meeting. I'll let you know when I get a Flicker account set up. For now, enjoy.

Family

2007-06-24T02:54:00.000-04:00

I am on vacation. It's nice. Tomorrow I will head out west with Patrick, in what is becoming known as the "head west young men" vacation. More on that in future posts.

My vacation started with two days with my family, and because my friend Jared let me borrow a camera I was actually able to take pictures of them. Pictures which I am now going to share with you since most of you have never met my family. So here it goes.

From left to right: Jo (sister-in-law), Chris (brother), Mom and Dad.

Me and Chris. I don't like the fact that I don't have a neck in this picture...

My favorite picture of my parents. This is a picture of a picture...

Past. (Another picture of a picture)

And Present.

This is my family and I love them very much. I'm glad that you got to see them.

The best part of my birthday....

2007-06-21T00:59:00.001-04:00

Thanks Paul.

Arg..

2007-06-18T13:46:00.000-04:00

I can't figure out how to indent any paragraph but the first one in a post. If anyone knows how to do this please tell me. I have been trying to get it for the past 10 minutes to no avail. Before you ask, I have been using the Tab key and everything looks good when I send it to post, but then I look at the blog and there are no indentations beyond the first paragraph.

Another Quote

2007-06-18T13:27:00.000-04:00

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the [Velveteen] Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," the asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

- From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

Part of something I read today

2007-06-18T08:58:00.000-04:00

Marital love is an image, however, pale, of the reality which develops little by little between the Absolute and the creature, between God and humankind, between Yahweh and Israel.
In marital love it is not enough to study the beloved, write poems, or receive cards from far away. Couples must marry, say "yes" to one another, go behind the veil of intimacy, delight in one another-exultantly, become close, cultivate friendship, stay together as much as possible, coalesce their wills, make two things one, as scripture says.
But pretending to know the other just by studying him in books or photographs means remaining outside real knowledge, real mystery.
Today, many persons who seek or study God do just that. They study him in books, make him an object of speculation, approach him from intellectual curiosity.
With what result? The more we study, the our ideas become confused; the more we get caught up in discussions, the farther we go from him.

- From The God Who Comes by Carlo Carretto

I want to get married.

2007-06-16T01:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went to my friends Lara and Jake's wedding, and it was beautiful. I'm happy for them and excited that they get to start their life together.

I've been to a lot of weddings over the past few years. Most of my friends are married, or are getting married very soon. As such, I've gone through a couple of different phases of "feelings" as a guest. My first few weddings I was just excited to be at, and was happy for the couple, but that was about it. The second phase that I went through (which lasted longer than I want to admit) was feeling jealous and a little bitter because it seemed that everyone I knew was getting married.

But lately I've been feeling differently, and I'm glad. The past few weddings that I have been to have been great. I've enjoyed spending time with old friends, and getting to make new ones. I find myself sitting back and watching the reception much more than I used to. Specifically, I find that I watch the bride and groom throughout much of the evening. The look of love and joy that is clear on the face of the newlyweds is amazing, beautiful and touching all at once. At some point in the evening I inevitably find myself longing for the day that I get to be married (hopefully) and wanting to have that look of unexplainable joy on my face.

I find that I've been thinking about this quite a lot. As a guy that might be a weird thing, but I don't care. I can't wait to be a husband and a father. I think that I'm going to be pretty good at being a family man.

All right, that's enough wistfulness for the evening. I'm going to bed.

Kind of like Kevin Bacon

2007-06-15T17:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is a test. I am going to ask for anyone who reads my blog through a link on another blog to comment on this post, and tell me how you got here. It's kind of like the 6 degree to Kevin Bacon thing, except this is 6 degree's to Kevin's blog. I am especially interested to hear from people who don't know me.

I will give you an example. From time to time I read Cabbie's Blog, which I get to through either Laura's Blog, or Paul's Blog. So it would look something like this.

Kevin's Blog--> Laura/Paul's Blog--> Cabbie's Blog.

Ok now its your turn, don't be shy:)

Finally caught a break

2007-06-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

So I got a call from my dad this morning, and he got a new job that he had been interviewing for last week. If I don't talk to you very much you probably don't have any idea how huge this is for my parents. He will be making $20,000 more a year than he is currently, and will be getting health insurance and other benefits.

I can't explain how thankful I am that my dad got this job. It will allow him to have a more normal work schedule, and be around for my mom. And the days of choosing between paying a bill or buying food should be gone.

No matter what happens for the rest of the day, its a good day.

I know I'm petty

2007-06-12T23:55:00.001-04:00

So here is a question for all of my readers out there in internet land. If there is a gathering of people that you know (some friends and others acquaintances) and you aren't invited do you: A) go anyway and just assume invitation, or B) not go because of a lack of invitation?

I know that I tend to not go because of the lack of invitation. Most of the time I know that this is trivial and that there is an open invitation policy, but there is part of me that just can't bring myself to go. I think that it comes down to the fact that I hate to be forgotten. When somebody forgets me I take that to be an indication of my value to that person and then turn around and assign that same value to myself.

But that's besides the point. I am learning that there is great power in the act of inviting. That's the point. When you invite somebody to go somewhere, or do something or even to do nothing together, you are saying to that person "I value you and want to spend my time with you." This has the potential to be very powerful to some people because the act of inviting is an act of love. I'm not saying that all invitations are powerful and meaningful, but some are and can really touch people.

If that's the case for inviting, the same can be true for the act of not inviting. Where an invitation says "I value you", the lack of an invitation says "I don't value you". Again, that's not true for all times that people aren't invited to events, but sometimes it is and that has an equally powerful effect on people.

Imagine the kid in high school who always sat alone, never really seemed to have any friends and often was made fun of. We all know somebody who was like that. Now imagine how powerful an invitation to join a group of people could be to that person. It would give an instant sense of value and desire to be with people, because people wanted to be with him.

But often that's not the case and you see the effect of constantly being left out of invitations. Feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable which can eventually turn into anger, bitterness and resentment.

I don't really know if there is an application to this or not, it was just a thought that I was having tonight. Feel free to comment, and please let me know if I am way off base.

RickRoll'D!

2007-06-07T23:51:00.000-04:00

*edited for Paul*

Classically Funny

Getting back

2007-06-07T13:02:00.000-04:00

I have been back in Athens for 2 days now and am starting to get back into my routine. I'll take this chance to fill you all in on what was going on this weekend, sorry this might be boring for some of you.

Saturday evening I got a call from my dad who let me know that mom had fallen earlier that morning and hit her head on the sidewalk pretty badly. Now my mom has never been in very good health and takes a laundry list of medications, one of them being Coumadin which is a blood thinner. Because of the severity of her blow to the head and the blood thinners my mom started to bleed into her brain pretty quickly. When my dad called me around 10pm (she had fallen at 9:30 AM) she was in the Neurological Intensive Care Unit, and had been given coagulants to try and stop the bleeding in her brain. We spent Saturday night wondering if it would work as there was no way to tell before she had another CAT scan in the morning. Thankfully the treatment worked, and she was moved out of the ICU on Sunday and was able to come home Monday evening. She is sore and messed up her hand pretty badly, and her face looks like she lost a boxing match. But all that aside she should be able to make a full recovery.

So that's what I did this weekend. I am glad to be back in Athens and getting back into a routine. I'm also moving this weekend which is a lot of work, but I'm really excited about my new place.

Alright, that's all for now. Back to work...

Tired.

2007-06-04T18:21:00.000-04:00

Mom came home a few hours ago. For those of you who were praying for her, thank you. I am tired and a bit drained right now. I will write more about this weekend later.

Back in Athens tomorrow.

I have really great friends. Thanks, I love you.

Things on my mind

2007-05-30T13:14:00.000-04:00

Alright, sorry that it took longer than expected to post again. But hey, its better than just giving up for two years like I did before,right?

Anyhow. I don't have much to talk about right now. Pretty much everything is the status quo. You take the good, you take the bad, lump it together and what do you have? The facts of life.

I don't know where that came from.

I am moving into my new apartment a week from Friday if anyone wants to help move things. (Patrick I am assuming your involvement :P ) I have found lately that I've been thinking about home ownership fairly frequently. I'm looking forward to the day that I can buy a home instead of renting. My co worker told me about a friend he has that bought a home around here on her americorps salary, which gives me hope that I could find a place to purchase. We'll see about that.

I've also been thinking about the future, which I tend to do a lot. My new thing is thinking about being a small business owner. Along with that I am still thinking about going back to school, or even just finding jobs around Athens because I don't really have a reason to leave.

Well, that is generally what has been going on with me lately. Or at least what I've been thinking about. Have a good day everyone.

Patience

2007-05-25T13:26:00.000-04:00

You'll need to wait a bit longer.

a little less hairy

2007-05-17T12:56:00.000-04:00

so i shaved today. i kept the goatee, but the beard is gone. it will be back in the future, but it needed to go for awhile. my face is colder, but that is about all.

now i must go to candy mountain. if you don't know about candy mountain check mdog's blog.

32

2007-05-16T11:04:00.000-04:00

This is my 32nd post of this year, which will tie for the most posts on my blog in a single year. By the end of this year I fully expect to have more posts in 2007 than in 2004-2006, which won't be hard because I only posted 52 times in those three years :)

Anyway, I really don't have a whole lot to say right now. I just had a very frustrating meeting with a resident that I'm working with. After talking to him I actually shut my door very firmly (bordering on a slam) and then threw things in my office (very therapeutic). I don't like it when I get this way. I wish I was more patient, but there is something about a guy who refuses to do things for himself and waits for other people to take care of him that exasperates me almost instantly.

It's hard to love people. It's hard to give people tough love because the response to it is often negative. I inevitably start to question if what I did or said was the "right" thing to do or say. I'm starting to learn about the decision to love, which is more than the feelings of love. It is an intentional commitment which always promises pain, disappointment and frustration. But this same commitment is also the reason I have hope. When I think that Jesus loved the world and what that means. How many times was Jesus hurt, disappointed or just plain frustrated with his disciples. For that matter how many times have I causes Him pain or frustration, not to mention all the things in this world that must break His heart. And yet, because of love He laid down His life for me, for you readers and for this world.

That is why I love. Because I serve a living God who loved me despite having his heart broken, despite being frustrated and despite disappointment for what this world is.

Love is about vulnerability, about being willing to have the chance of getting hurt so that you can know and be known by somebody. I have seen some relationships that are very deeply rooted in love, so I know there are good things that come along with loving as well. But loving those who won't love you back gives you a little glimpse (very little) into how Jesus must have felt every time that he wept for this world.

Well.... that post ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be. It also probably not very structured, just kind of processing through typing. Anyway, happy Wednesday everyone!

Kiwi !

2007-05-11T11:56:00.003-04:00

Watch this and let me know what you think.

I find it both sad and beautiful at the same time.

you're the man now dog

2007-05-11T10:23:00.000-04:00

So while I was home this past weekend my brother showed my this site called your the man now dog (check it out here). Its a collection of funny things that people put together, and I imagine that it will start to eat into alot of my work time for awhile. But for now I will leave you with this....

dramatic reading of a breakup letter.

enjoy:D

compare and contrast

2007-05-10T13:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is about myself, but I constantly compare myself to other people and make value judgments about myself based on my impression of people. I always see people and think things like: "I wish that I could look like him", "If I could play and sing like them I would be happier", "Man, if I could only write like them...". I don't know that I've ever really been happy or content with who I was. In just about every area of my life I know somebody else who is "better" at it than I am, and because I always compare myself to others I am rarely happy with myself.

I know that I should be content with myself. I know that nobody in this world is as good at being me as I am. I know that God made me just the way He wanted me to be, and takes great joy in me. (see this to get a better idea of that) But for some reason knowing all of those things doesn't help. I find myself thinking alot of "if only" statements. If only i (was/had/did this better) then I would be happy. I know that's a lie, but for some reason I can't stop thinking this way.

I'm writing about this because I just finished reading a bunch of blogs, and I was constantly wishing that I had the ability to write the way that some people do. I need to be content with who I am, but I'm just not there yet. Hopefully I'm on my way, just not quite there.

In other news the Reds still stink.
Can you tell that I learned to link things in my blog? :D

WGUC

2007-05-08T16:09:00.000-04:00

This is a shameless promotion for a classical music station in Cincinnati that I really love. Go to wguc.org and you can sign up and listen to the station over the internet. I highly recommend that you check it out, its nice to have playing in the background while having to work.

A weekend in my childhood

2007-05-07T01:04:00.000-04:00

For those of you who live in Athens you know that I have spent this weekend back in Cincinnati, with my parents. For some reason while I’ve been back here I have been in a very nostalgic emotional state, which has been good but a little painful. I guess you could say bittersweet. On Friday after I got home and spent some time with my parents I visited my friend Patrick (not Filipiak) at work, and then went for a drive while listening to the Reds game on the radio. On my drive I went by my old high school, the house we lived in before the bankruptcy, old hangouts and neighborhoods. This brought back so many old memories and emotions, the strongest being that a chapter in my life was closed and life would never again be the way it had been during my teen years. I find myself longing to be back in school, spending time with my high school friends and living with my parents. In my mind this was an easier time, and more carefree or enjoyable. Even just typing this makes my heart aches like it does only when you are longing for something that you can never have again.

On Saturday I went even further back in my life and spent part of the afternoon walking around my old neighborhood from my elementary school years. I took the old shortcuts through creeks and woods to get to the mall, I walked by the old bowling alley and enjoyed the musty smell that reminded me of hot summers. Again I found myself longing to go back to before I could drive, or even cared about impressing girls or being cool. I wanted to be a kid again. But part of growing up is losing that carefree feeling, we become all too accustom to the cares of the world and it weighs on us, to a certain degree, whether we acknowledge it or not.

Saturday night my brother and sister-in-law came over for dinner and ate with me and dad (mom wasn’t able to get out of bed for Saturday or most of Sunday). After dinner we sat around talking and reminiscing about growing up. I also finally learned what mix of nationality I am. I’m a quarter of both Irish and Swedish, and have French Canadian and Iroquois. I don’t know why, but knowing where I come from and hearing the history of my great grandparents helps me to feel at home, like I’m a little closer to knowing who I am.

I find that I’m in this limbo area in my life, where I am longing for the past and the future at the same time but never quite content with the present. I know there is always the temptation to dwell on the past, or depend on the future in life; but this feels stronger than that.

I think what I’m longing for is a feeling on connectedness, community and intimacy all of which either aren’t strong, or completely absent in my life right now. My words feel so inadequate to fully describe how I feel, but this is the best I can do for now.

This is why I miss Gabe

2007-05-03T10:57:00.000-04:00

This if from a conversation on gmail from this morning. I should preface it by saying that my status said "no longer intimidated", and that these kinds of conversations are normal between us. So here it is, hold on to your butts.

Gabe: oh man, i just thought of something pretty funny
what if i named my first album, "no longer intimidated"
but at every live show, i was so afraid that i fled off stage after a song or two.
me: that would be awesome
Gabe: and i made a whimpering noise in between songs.
me: that would be your gimic
to get people in the seats
i think its a great idea
Gabe: then, to my and everyone else's horror, all that could be heard was the quiet trickling of urine falling from my chair to the floor.
me: slow drips in an otherwise silent hall
Gabe: hahaha
and you just looked from the puddle beneath me and back to the audience, shaking your head, and crying quietly.
and then, eventually, you peed your pants too, accidentally.
me: and when the stage hand came to clean it up you yelled at him and said you wanted to sit in your mixture of piss and tears
Gabe: everyone in the room began, tentatively at first, to urinate in their pants.
hahahaha
me: and then started gently weeping
Gabe: we all cried and pissed together.
me: then the second tour could be the no longer pissing tour
Gabe: hahaha
where have we gone?
me: i don't know, but i like it
Gabe: we're losing an already loosening grip on reality.
me: this is why we should live closer to each other
Gabe: haha, me too.
it needs to happen more often.

Role Call

2007-05-03T09:39:00.000-04:00

Good Morning class! It's time to take the role. If you are here fill out your name and something interesting about yourself in the comments. Sarcasm and other forms of humor are encouraged.

Thank you

Something I heard at work

2007-05-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

During one of my meetings with a resident this week I heard this.

"Now for me to have a good day I only look for one happy thing to happen throughout the day. For the first time in my life I don't have the ability to plan for future goals and effect their outcome."

This is sad to me. I'm sad that this person feels that they have been reduced to only looking for something "happy" to happen in the day. I am frustrated with all of the services and agencies that keep telling him what they are going to do, but never actually doing anything. I have been able to see first hand how defeating applying for jobs, and different services can be when you get no response; or even worse, unfulfilled promises.

This also clearly showed to me the competing unspoken values of the middle class and poverty class. The middle class values planning ahead and security, while the poverty class is concerned with the here and now.

Last night talking with this guy was a profound experience for me. I will think about this more.

5 sentences or less

2007-05-01T19:02:00.000-04:00

Evey have a day where you just can't seem to think clearly, where everything seems just a little "off"? I am having one of those days.

I will have more to write soon. I am going to try and get over my need to sound deep and intelligent when I post, and just start doing it more often.

That is all.

g'day.

2007-04-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

It's quiet

2007-04-22T23:07:00.000-04:00

So I am sitting here in the Timothy House at 11pm. I am doing night-shift tonight and have just finished closing up the downstairs. To be honest I was dreading coming in tonight because I didn't have a evening volunteer, and since I am on call this weekend I get to come in and cover the shift. So I was supposed to be here from 5pm until 8am, but thanks to my co-worker I didn't actually have to be here until about 7:30.

But that's beside the point.

I have actually really enjoyed my time here tonight. It has been quiet, and I was able to just hang out on the porch for a while and then come inside and read. So often I am only here during the day when things are loud and busy that I forget how calming and healing peace can actually be. I am thankful that I am here tonight. I am thankful that the other people sleeping in this house have a place to sleep tonight, and I hope that their sleep is blessed by a peace that surpasses all understanding.

You must go here

2007-04-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

You will most likely read this on a lot of other blogs, but you really need to go here and check out Critters. For my birthday I am really hoping for some framed Critters panels to hang on my walls :)

(sarah that is a hint)

Critters!!

Spaceships.

2007-04-05T09:49:00.000-04:00

So if you read Patrick's blog I am sure that you have heard about the game Eve, where we fly fake spaceships around and blow things up, or build things and sell them, or pretty much do whatever we want. I like Eve. Its fun to play, and there are so many different things to go in the game. Whenever I get bored doing something, there is always a new thing that I can get into. I suspect that this is building up to PVP (player vs. player) but I am not sure.

Patrick and I started a corp in Eve, and its pretty awesome. We are the League of the Tiger and Tentacle; I believe Patrick's the Tentacle, and I'm the Tiger.... kinda like Tony the Tiger, we're grrrrrrrrrrrreat! We are have a sister Corp call the Duct Tape Brigadiers. They are cool people that are great to talk to and have been very generous in helping us out when we need it. The people that I get to chat with while playing the game is the reason that I am sticking around. Blowing up ships is fun, but doing with other people is even more fun. Below I will post a screenshot of Eve that I pulled off the website so you can see what its like.

If you want to check the game out go to www.eve-online.com and you can get a 14-day free trial. For those of you with a Mac, you can play it if you have an intel Mac and install BootCamp, which is what I did :)

If you get in game, send me a message. I am Kit Alana, and Patrick is Ryosh.

How's that for nerdiness.......

Wait for it.....

2007-04-03T19:19:00.000-04:00

I will post again soon. Thanks to everyone who responded to my previous post, it is much appreciated. Alright, back to work....

This is scary for me..

2007-03-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

Ok, I am going to try a post that is pretty revealing (no pun intended) so I am hoping for support from you my blogging community. Today I want to talk a bit about pornography. Now this will probably go like most of my posts which means that I will write and probably get fuddled somewhere in the middle and not make much sense, but please be patient with me. Also, I will be speaking from a man's perspective for this post, because that is what I know and where my experience lies.

Alright, I want to start off by saying that I really hate pornography. There is nothing redeeming about it, nothing. It is a thing that has far reaching effects that last for a long time. It colors your relationships with women, and effects how you even think and view people. I fully believe that pornography rapes the mind (I got that from a bumper sticker) and can cause years, if not a lifetime, of pain and guilt.

That being said, I can fully admit that I have been addicted to pornography. For me it was something that started at the end of my 6th grade year (long before I was a believer) and went along unchecked for many years of my life. For a long time I just accepted it as something that all guys participate in. It wasn't until I became a Christian about 5 years ago that I started to try and fight this, so I have a solid 6-7 years of pornography in my mind that affects me to this day. At the time I thought it was harmless and didn't have any effects beyond what I was watching or seeing at the time. Boy was I wrong. I still see images that I haven't viewed since I was 13. They pop up at very inappropriate times (but when is an appropriate time..) and makes it hard to focus because when that happens I have to focus all my attention on forcing those things out of my head. I believe that pornography degrades the participants and builds up unreasonable expectations for relationships and marriage.

Thankfully when I decided to follow Jesus I was given a little over a year where pornography wasn't an issue in my life. It wasn't a temptation and didn't haunt my thoughts throughout the day. I thought that I had overcome this issue in my life, and I was on a "spiritual high" because of it. "Beware when you are standing firm, lest you should fall." And that's exactly what happened. When I thought I was above this and had moved on it came back into my life with a vengeance, except this time it was bringing guilt, judgment and condemnation along for the ride. You can imagine how crushed I was when this happened. I thought I was over this, and then it comes back. I thought my faith was a sham, I was just a hypocrite. How could God love somebody who views his daughters in the way that I had viewed them? For a long time I felt condemned and couldn't accept grace because of this. I mean how many times could God forgive me before He got fed up and gave up on me... This wasn't helped by the fact that I viewed sexual sin as being "worse" thank other sins. I mean people could be prideful, or lie but at least they weren't looking at porn. That is frustrating to me because I see it reinforced in much of mainstream Christianity and all that did for me was make me want to hide and not bring these things to light.

At this point in my life I have rebounded a little bit from the valley that I plunged into 3 or so years ago. That's not to say that it isn't an issue. I still mess up and look at pornography, but I am also blessed with long stretches of time where I am given the strength to resist temptation. The main difference over the past few years is that I now have hope and a belief that there can and will be life change. I am not doomed to be a slave to my addiction. I have seen God work in my life on this, and I believe that I am a work in progress. I raped my mind for 7 years, I can't expect the healing to be a quick easy fix.

So here I am dealing with the fact that I hate pornography, and yet have an addiction and a desire to look at it. Paul's words in Romans resonate very deeply with me:

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I hope that this post doesn't cause you to view me with any less respect than you had before. But if it does that's alright. This is who I am and what I am dealing with and I am not going to be ashamed about it, because when I am ashamed I hide it and that just leads to more problems. If you are brave and would like to post comments about your experiences, or just some encouragement that would be awesome; but to be honest I don't really expect too much of a response from this. Just wanted to try my hand at being vulnerable and sharing a bit about myself.

This is awesome.

2007-03-25T00:56:00.000-04:00

Thieving mouse...

Quote from work

2007-03-16T12:19:00.000-04:00

"Kevin, you fucking hateful son of a bitch!"

-overheard being said by a resident upstairs. This was just the cheery on top of a long tirade about me being many varieties of a son of a bitch.

Feeling dejected today...

Update!

2007-03-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

Let's see. What is there in my life that I can update you on. For ease of reading I will put these in bullet points for you. Actually, since I can only do periods and not bullets, I will put them in * points for you.

* I had strep throat last week, and it sucked. Missed 3 days of work, but am feeling much better now, thank you very much.
* I played Frisbee for 3 hours yesterday, and it was very much fun. Lots of pictures were taken, and upon review of said pictures I decided that I need to lose about 30 pounds.
* Work has gotten crazy, as we had 19 people in the house at one point last week. We are now down to a manageable 18.
* I played music with Jake and it was fun. I would like to be creative and write music that stirs the soul and speaks deeply into peoples lives. However, I don't think that's my lot in life.
* I am still searching for meaning in my life. I feel like I am filling alot of my life with "filler" things that take up time but create little meaning.
* I still get lonely and depressed, but it has been a little better recently.
* I love kids. Especially when they are little, around the 3 year and under range. When the get older and start trying to get bossy with me I like them less.
* I hate pornography. But that is an entire different post for a future date.
* I made cashew butter, and its awesome.
* I will be going on a vacation with Patrick in June for a week. We are planning on driving out west and just seeing what happens along the way. Its going to kinda be like Brokeback Mountain with a car instead of horses, and less sex. I am looking forward to this because Patrick is my best friend, and it will be good to have a week to hang out and have some pretty deep conversations. And the west is cool.
* I will be getting a MacBook in the near future thanks to Ben Lachman and his ability to get good deals on those sorts of things.
* It's almost lunch time, so I am going to go now.

That is an update for now.

(all your base are belong to us)

Malaise...

2007-03-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sick and this sucks.....

That is my update for right now. I hope that I will be able to get on and write something more later. In a perfect world I would write something deep and thought provoking, but in reality it will most likely consist mainly of "filler". That's what I think is mostly my life right now "filler" with not a whole lot of meaning. Ok, be back later.

Buffy's Pocket Road Atlas.

2007-02-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

That is what I found in my desk at work today, Buffy's Pocket Road Atlas. I do not know who Buffy is (unless she is a vampire slayer) but as this has been in my desk for at least the past 7 months I am taking it. I'm no lawyer, but I think by law its mine by now anyway, so take that Buffy!

Moving on...

Life has been getting a little bit better over the past week or so. I am actually enjoying the days and not hating work right now. All in all things are looking up. So earlier this morning I actually got the cello out and was practicing for a little while, and it made me realize a few things. First, I love the cello. I think that it is one of the most beautifull instrument in the world. However, I cannot play it the way that I would like to. Which brings me to a second realization. As much as I would love to be able to play the cello really well, I am not willing to put in the amount of time it would take to get myself to the point where I could play that way. This kind of makes me sad, but I am glad that I know this about me so that I don't have unreasonable expectations about my future etc...

At this point I am still trying to figure out what to do after I finish my contract at Good Works. I love and miss music, but I don't know if that's what I am going to do when I am finished. I don't really feel passionatley about anything as far as a "carreer" goes in my life. This leaves me confused and wondering what I am going to do when I am finished here. I suppose that this is a good place that God can meet me.

Now if I will only listen...

Its the day.

2007-02-14T20:09:00.000-05:00

I like closure, and the ability to move on from events in life. I usually don't get this as I have a tendancy to avoid conflict and talking about anything that would be hard or uncomfortable. But I have gotten a little closure and perspective recently and it feels good.

Also, I have some pretty awesome friends, ones that I love very much. To them I wish a happy valentines day, and know that I feel truly blessed to have you in my life.

The end.

Humbling..

2007-02-08T20:15:00.000-05:00

So last night I had a fairly humbling experience. For the past month or so I have been doing nightshift at the Timothy House in addition to my full time job as a caregiver. In essence this meant that one day a week I needed to be here from 9pm until 8am the next morning. I doesn't sound like a whole lot being only one day a week and all, but I found out very quickly that I am more limited than I sometimes think I am.

I had to write an email to everyone else that is pulling nightshift in addition to their fulltime jobs (we have no nightshift guys right now) and let them know that I couldn't continue to do nightshift because of the effect that it was having on myself both personally, and in my job performance. I know that pulling nightshift is hard on everyone, but the fact that I already work out of this building 40 hours a week made it unbearable for me. I found myself becoming bitter and resentful of having to come in to work, especially on the nights I had to be here for about 19 hours straight because of nightshift. Nightshift added on to the already stressful conditions of the house and has been taking too much out of me and I had to let everyone know that I couldn't continue to do it or I would become too bitter and my heart would harden too much for me to be able to do this job at all.

I can't express how understanding and full of grace that everyone has been. Even though it means that they have to cover nights that I cannot do nobody has make me feel guilty or "less than" just because I can't do nightshift right now. Through all of this I have been humbled in how limitied I actually am, and humbled by the love and grace that they community has shown me. I am truly thankful for this and just wanted to share it with all of you.

Cheers.

I am thankful to be warm...

2007-02-06T12:55:00.001-05:00

Sorry, I don't know how to make this a link. So just cut and paste it into your browser.

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070201/NEWS01/702010370/1056/COL02

Sweet Afton

2007-02-05T11:44:00.000-05:00

So last week was a really hard week at work, and as such I didn't post at all. I will get into that a little more later. First, in good news Jack is feeling much better and has stopped decorating my room with his (as patrick put it) liquipoop. I am thankfull for that.

Now on to last week. Towards the beginning of the week we had to make a decision that wasn't very popular with some of the residents that are staying in the house; because of this people were particularly nasty to myself and the other staff. The environment in the house was very tense, bordering on openly hostile. As you can imagine this doesn't do a whole lot for my desire to come in to work. The whole week I was feeling beat down, and this was only made worse when one of the guys that I was working with made some bad decisions and was arrested and sent back to Cleveland. This was incredibly upsetting because he was one of the guys that was doing well and working hard, but 12 hours worth of bad decisions threw everything away. I don't understand how that happens, or what my response should be. As a result I end up feeling many different things from numbness, to apathy, to anger, to depression and I don't know what the appropriate response is. Towards the end of the week things were starting to get better, but all in all it was still a pretty rough week.

I did recieve a little insight into why I was feeling the way I was about the house. When talking to Keith (my boss) he mentioned that the fact that I am hurt and effected by peoples failures shows that I am loving them and not letting my heart get hard. Sometimes I am afraid that I am letting myself get hardened, but from what Keith was saying I am still letting myself be vulnerable so that I could care for these people. The way that I felt last week, I can't even imagine how Jesus felt when he was on earth....

The second thing that helped to put things into perspective was Paul's message yesterday. He said that whenever somebody is blessed it is because another person has broken themselves and poured out what they have for the other person. Paul was specifically talking about people that are in full time ministry (which I am apparently), and this made a whole lot of sense to me. I have been breaking myself apart and giving myself to the people in this house, but I haven't found a way to get put back together so that I can keep doing it. This helps to explain why I am run down and tired alot of the time, and why I get depressed when things are particularly difficult in the house. Yesterday I was moved by Paul's message and the prayers that were offered for us, particularly Patrick's prayer.

On a lighter note, I need to figure out how to ask somebody out for coffee that I don't see very much. I don't want to just send her an email because that might be incredibly weird. Maybe I should just wait and see if an opprotune moment presents itself.

Bye, for now..

Pity me.

2007-01-27T01:37:00.000-05:00

I just spent over 2 hours cleaning up dog diarrhea.....for the second time today!

PS. Giving your dog a bath in a shower stall is not fun.

Let's go exploring!

2007-01-26T13:37:00.000-05:00

I remember when winter used to feel like this...

Go Yoshimi Go!

2007-01-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. Three posts in one week! Can this really be true? I am here to tell you that it's true, and hopefully will continue for awhile.

So, and you may have gathered from my posts this week, I have been feeling a bit depressed this week. This thing happens to me maybe once or twice a year where I get a pretty intense feeling of hopelessness and depression that lasts for a few days, and then gets better. When I am in the middle of these episodes I always say that I am going to do something about it, but I never end up doing anything about it. I am happy to say that I am pulling out of the depression and have been feeling markedly better the past two days. I am glad that I work in a place that supports me and extends grace when I am feeling crappy, or just in a really bad mood.

When I get this way I try to figure out what is depressing me, and most of the time I can't put a finger on it, I just feel depressed. But for awhile now I have been struggling with loneliness much more than usual. This might have something to do with all of my friends that are having babies, or getting married. I find that most of the people that I know (and pretty much all my close friends) are either starting families or getting married. Don't get me wrong, I am sincerely happy for them and love to celebrate these things with them. It's just that when I get home from doing so, the fact that I am alone is even more pronounced. This affects my relationship with God, because I feel like He has given me this desire to have a family and be a father, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I am struggling that He might not ever intend to give me those things, and I need to work through that. But its kind of hard to work through those things when I am not praying or developing my relationship with God. I realized tonight (after listening to a great podcast) that I have a shallow relationship with God and its something that I need to correct. If you want to keep me accountable to this, that would be great. Just ask me if I am doing these things......and kick me if I'm not.

I will close with this. I know that people mean well when they tell me that loneliness will pass, and that I need to find companionship with God etc.... Please don't tell me these things. I don't like platitudes, and they generally have the opposite effect on me, and just make me that much more aware of my loneliness. However, if you have something to say that you think is generally encouraging I am more than happy to listen.

The Running of the Pants

2007-01-23T09:47:00.000-05:00

Back at work.........

Powdered Toast Man!

2007-01-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

No, this post actually has nothing to do with Powdered Toast Man (or PTM as some like to call him), the lovable super hero from Ren and Stimpy. That was just the first thing that popped into my head, and since I can never seem to come up with a title that I am satisfied with you are getting PTM. So from here on out (or at least today) my titles will no longer have any bearing on the post that comes after it. I know that this will thrill my millions of loyal readers :)

Anyway, the real reason that I am writing this post if because I am at work and feeling utterly uninspired. I have been working here for about 7 months now and I feel totally run over by the reality of poverty in Athens. People are constantly coming in and then making bad decisions and leaving again, so I never feel like I am making much progress with anyone that I am working with. Those who do stay longer are often very needy and require alot of encouragement and attention which just completely drains me. I am at the point that I don't see an end in sight, but maybe I'm not supposed to. We have been promised that the poor will always be with us.

I just feel like my strength and ability to do this job are coming to an end very quickly. I know that I can't do this job on my own, I need the support of the people that I work with, my friends and (most importantly) God. If I am able to continue doing this job and fulfull my contract it will only be because God has given me the strength every day to come in and do my best to give myself to these people. Unless I start going to God to be filled, I am not going to have anything to give.

Not everyday is this bad. Today I am just feeling particularly overwhelmed and hopeless. It will be better tomorrow...

I happier news, I got a Wii :)

I can't wait.....

2007-01-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry it took me so long. I had fully intended to get back in the office the other night and post, but as things tend to do around here it got a bit busy and I didn't get a chance.

But here I am now, about 6 minutes before a staff meeting writing another quick message mainly to share some pictures that a good friend sent to me last night.

They are pictures of me and his daughter. One from this weekend, and one from about 2 years ago. I really love kids, and I particularly love Lydia. These pictures make me happy and long for the day that I will be a father. So without further ado, here are the pictures.

At work

2007-01-04T16:43:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

I am at work right now, so I don't have a whole lot of time to write, but maybe later tonight I can escape to the privacy of my office to listen to classical music on the internet and write some more. Hope to see you soon :)

Waiting...

2006-11-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

I am waiting to eat........

I don't particularly like waiting for things. Sometimes I can be patient, but alot of the time I find myself being more impatient than not. Either way I must wait.

And so I wait.....

Just let it go......

2006-11-20T20:05:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I don't know how to intro into this so I am just going to jump in and write and see what happens.

I was dating this girl from around May to June, and she broke up with me about a week after my birthday. I mean, I guess it was a break up. Some would probably call it a mutual decision, but it sure felt like getting dumped to me. She came back from a 4 day Amaeus walk and came over and said that things weren't the way they were before and that we should go back to being friends. I agreed because I could tell that her mind was made up and I didn't want to be dumped. I am vain.

Anyway, a day or two later we were supposed to hang out on college green for a free concert and she ended up running into or bringing a friend, and about a month later they were dating. I know that she wasn't looking for that to happen, but it did and they are still together. This hurt me alot. I don't really know how to describe it. To her, our relationship was only about a month long, but for myself it was much longer. I had spent the better part of a year liking this girl and pursuing her so to me it felt like the end of a year long relationship, not just a month. We said that we would still be friends, and that nothing would really change......Bullshit.

Now I can't really talk to her. I don't know what to say. Every time I see her I feel this hurt and I don't like it at all. I don't like seeing her with this other guy because I still like her. Even though I still like her, I don't think that I would ever be able to date her again, things are just too weird now. I am probably taking this too far and just need to get over it and move on. I just remember how nice it was to have somebody who loved being around me and wanted to spend time with me and hold hands or whatever. And now, its like I was given a month trial and failed. It's rejection, and I don't do well with rejection.

I want to tell her that when she was discouraged that we drove back from Cincinnati without talking very much that I was encouraged because I was finally able to just sit with somebody and be comfortable. I want to tell her that I didn't feel the same way she did. I want to tell her that I don't think we should have broken up. But I'm not. The time for that has passed and I just need to get over her, and get over myself.

I'm sad that I feel like I lost a friend through all of this. And I hate feeling like I'm just not good enough to be wanted. Anyway, I hope that actually writing this out will help me to move on so that I can actually talk to her without feeling painfully awkward.

Here's to a new year...

-KJ

Playing God

2006-11-16T09:47:00.000-05:00

You know, its really weird how quickly I can go from posting regularly to forgetting to do so for about two weeks! Well, I am back to post some more...

There has been alot going on in life right now. The biggest thing that I have been wrestling with lately was the fact that we had to evict a resident from the Timothy House the other night. This particular residents behavior was unacceptable the last time he was with us, so we were already apprehensive about bringing him back, and when he came back he was alright for about a week and then did the same things he did before. The frustrating thing is that he will not in any way recognize that his behavior is threatening to the household and he believes that we just don't like him and have set him up. I know that we did the right thing by evicting him and protecting the safety of the house, but at the same time I hate putting someone back on the street when the weather is as cold as it was that night.

The more that I think about it the more I wonder if what we did is the most loving thing. I know that I myself didn't particularly like this resident and I tried not to let that effect my input in the decision to evict him, but I don't know how well I did with that. I wonder if Jesus would ever kick somebody out onto the street. When things like this happen I realize how limited and fallen I really am. I feel powerless to help this guy, and I am not sure ,even if I had the power, that I would go out of my way to use it. I just try to do the best with what insight God has given me and pray that I do the right thing. But these are peoples lives that I am talking about, and that makes it hard. I think that I am coming to terms with having to evict this guy. I do believe it was the right thing to do for him and for the other people in the house.

On a lighter note; I played ultimate frisbee in the rain yesterday and it was awesome. Also, I will be at my parents house for Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to that.

I'm out-
KJ

Serenity Prayer

2006-10-30T00:12:00.000-05:00

I really like the Serenity Prayer from AA. It didn't come from AA, but it has become a very popular "standard" for AA meetings from what I can tell. Anyway, here it is.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

Pretty cool, huh?

I would like all of those things.

I am glad that I have hope.

Goodnight,

KJ

Back in ....... Beige?

2006-10-26T10:02:00.000-04:00

Bet you thought I went away, didn't you? Well I am still here.

There hasn't really been a whole lot going on this past week, just the usual (also known as the usge; pronounced like luge). I am still working and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. The flavor of the week has been the cello. I miss playing the cello and I wish that I could realistically play for a living, but unfortunately that is not possible. However I have been looking into different luthier apprenticeships. The luthier is the craftsman (or woman) who makes instruments like violins and cellos etc. Regardless I know that I want to get back into practicing and playing the cello, and we will see where it goes from there.

In other news, I saw a great movie a few weeks ago based on the recommendation of some friends. It is called Nightwatch and it is the first movie in a Russian trilogy about vampires. Except its not really about vampires, its about these people called "others" who all have different abilities and it seems like most of the "dark others" are vampires with different powers. At the bottom is the link for the trailer, you should just watch it and check it out. Its pretty sweet. The next movie "Daywatch" should be coming out early in 2007, and I can't wait.

Alright, have a good one.

KJ

http://intothegloom.com/itg_nw_trail.html

Fight Club

2006-10-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

"You are not unique, you are not special. You are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world..."

Thats how I feel right now.

What is art?

2006-10-19T11:24:00.000-04:00

So every monday I meet with some guys at union street diner (I liked it better when it was in the old dirty building) and we talk about faith and art and the effect one has on the other. Currently we are reading Walking on Water: reflections on faith and art by Madeleine L' Engle. In the book she says that art is "Cosmos in Chaos", and I will talk about that at a later date, but what got us talking was when she said what art isn't. She says " [t]here's some modern art, in all disciplines, which is not (art); some artists look at the world around them and see chaos, and instead of discovering cosmos, they reproduce chaos, on canvas, in music, in words. As far as I can see, the reproduction of chaos is (not) art..."

This got us talking about what is and what isn't art. In general that was alot of us who were uncomfortable with L' Engle's statement that the reproduction of chaos isn't art. I don't totally agree with her, but I also don't disagree with her. I would say that if an artist is merely reproducing chaos, like a more complicated form of tracing, that it isn't art. However, if the artist is trying to show us something that we forgot, or to get some other meaning through chaos I would say that is definitely art. But that isn't the point of what I am writing now.

One of the guys said that he likes to find the art in things that are ugly instead of things that look nice. He said that he would be more apt to call that art. At first I agreed with him, but then I started to think about why I agreed with him and I wasn't so sure anymore. I wanted to agree with him because if I could find the art in ugly things that most people don't see, then somehow I would be more artistic/better than other people. I don't know if I am the only person who wrestles with this but I find that I only want to call things art if I like it, or if I find some value in it. I have decided that I don't have that right. Just because I don't like something doesn't mean that its not art. Just because I don't like Toby Keith doesn't mean that his songs aren't art on some level. Just because its popular doesn't mean that its not art.

I don't have all of my thoughts formed on this, but I am convinced that I don't get to decide what art is. I do get to decide what art means to me, and what I find to be most artistic; but I don't get to discount something as not being artistic because I don't value it.

KJ

Working...

2006-10-18T10:35:00.000-04:00

Well, now that I am satisfied that nobody comes around here I can post freely and without worry that anyone will read it. So what have been going on....

I am now settling into my 3rd month of my "real job". I am afraid to say that the luster of having a full time job has long since worn off. I find myself not wanting to come in to work and sometimes just being kind of bitter about it. Don't get me wrong I like the people I work with, and at times I feel like I am actually getting some good done around here, but alot of the time I get frustrated and feel kind of hopeless. I don't know how to handle people calling me (and my co-workers) a hypocrite and getting accused of not helping people or treating people like they don't matter. I know that Jesus calls me to love these people, and a huge part of my job is being willing to stay vulnerable so I can love people even when I know that I am going to get hurt. However there is still part of me that is hardening and trying to pull away so that I don't risk getting hurt. People in the social work field are undervalued by our society....and underpaid.

I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I know that I am not going to be able to continue working as a caregiver for longer than my two year commitment because it is too emotionally draining and I don't feel like this is where I want to be for the rest of my life. I am trying to wrestle with the idea of going back to school to eventually become a professor of music somewhere, or to just try and find another job after Good Works. The middle class thing to do is to go and get more education and become a professor, but to do that I would have to sacrifice relationships in order to achieve "success", and I am not sure that I am willing to do that. Everything in my middle class upbringing and our culture tells me that I should do this because in the end it would provide a good paying job with some reasonable job security. But there is a part of me that doesn't feel comfortable with this. First off I am horrible at maintaining relationships if I don't see the person regularly and I have some friends here that I don't want to lose. Mainly I have a strong connection with my friends Patrick and Sarah. There is part of me that wants to commit to those friendships and plan on doing life together instead of moving somewhere to become more successful. I haven't really talked with them about this, and maybe it would creep them out knowing that I am thinking of following them around the world :) but I feel like this is more biblical than my desire to get more money and have more stuff. Don't be fooled, I am greedy and I want more things. Hopefully knowing that will help me to fight it...

I am still struggling with my addiction, but for the first time in a long while I find that I have a sense of hope that things can/will change. I went to an AA meeting a few weeks ago (alcohol is not my personal addiction) and I found it an amazing experience. I am privileged to know a man that is in the program who has had wonderful life change through the fellowship provided through AA and all I can say is that it encouraged me and gave me a little hope. I also notice that I am having more of a desire to resist temptation and turn to God. I am still not reading my bible or praying that regularly, but I have some hope and that is more than I have had in a long time.

I think that is probably enough writing for now. I should get back to work. If anyone reads this, I hope you enjoy but this is mainly so I can put my thoughts into words and maybe gain some insight. Unless I get corporate sponsorship, then it will be for the money :)

KJ

Surpirse

2006-10-12T22:36:00.000-04:00

Hello....

Didn't think you would ever see me again, did you?

Well....

Here I am.

And now.....

I'm gone

New Year's Post..

2006-01-01T02:42:00.000-05:00

So I don't suspect that anyone still comes around to check this blog. I don't blame you, I wouldn't either. In fact this is the first time that I have even thought about my blog since in about 2 months. That being said, I am going to type without the expectation that anyone will read it, so mayhaps I will get a little personal....we'll see.

I don't want to be around people at all right now. I have been feeling this way for the past couple of days. I am avoiding contact with anyone, especially those who are close to me. I have now been back in Athens for the better part of four days and have done almost nothing except for sit around with my dog. Tonight is a good example, I went out to a New Year's Eve party over at a friends house and proceeded to have a pretty bland time of it. First off I didn't go over until about 10 hoping that I could just go for 2 hours and then leave. By 11:30 I was pretty tired of it all so I left, to come and sit on the couch with my dog and watch the ball drop. I think the thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that while I was at the party I avoided talking to my best friend there. I saw him come in and mingle around the various rooms, but at no point did I try and talk to him...or even say hello.

I want to make it clear that I am not upset at anyone, I just didn't want to be around anyone period. I think the problem is that I have become thoroughly disappointed/disgusted with the person that I have become, or am becoming. I am an addict. The specific things that I am addicted to aren't going to be talked about here, but its enough to say that I believe that I am an addict and its seriously affecting my life. These things that I do have two specific qualities. First, they make me feel wanted or loved or valued in some way. Most often this is the worlds view of love or value which ends up feeling hallow and somewhat sickly. Second, they make me forget about life for awhile, or kind of blunt the point of reality. These things have been happening often enough that I have stopped talking to people about it, and I think it leads to me avoiding people. Hell, if I could I would leave myself.

This is not the life that I have always wanted, but somehow I feel cornered into it. Here's to a happy new year everyone...

KJ

Get away....

2005-10-18T01:03:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else ever get the overwhelming urge to leave and start life over somewhere else? That's what I am feeling right now. I don't want to do anything and some part of me thinks that if I just move somewhere and start over with a clean slate things will be different. But that's not true.......I guess that I just don't want to deal with my shit. Call it denial or weakness or selfishness or pride, but that's how it is.

I'm out..